All Advice Isn't Good Advice

Over the course of a few years, Denae gave her boyfriend chance after chance, only for him to mess up and come crawling back after she kicked him to the curb. She finally put her foot down and refused to let him back in her life. It was a bad break up with a guy that she truly loved, but he just couldn't seem to act right. Then, just a few months later, she found out he had married another woman who was carrying his child.

Of course, Denae was devastated. Who knew if he was acting right with his new wife? All she could see was him giving to another woman the things she'd been longing for him to give to her.

After a few months of shutting herself away from the world to get over the shock and pain of it all, Denae began socializing with friends and associates again, prompting many of them to question the details surrounding her brief disappearance. She explained to a long time friend her heartbreak and devastation.

When Danae finished sharing her story, her friend asked one question that would open up old wounds and put her right back in the depressing place she'd so desperately tried to climb out of: "How could you have let this happen?"

When Denae explained to me her friend's reaction, I could sense how she tried to stay strong while her friend essentially blamed her for her predicament. "You should have been there, doing what you needed to do to keep him. You shouldn't have let this happen."

Not only did she place the blame on Denae, who really had no power over the matter, but she also vehemently handed out horrible advice. Her friend's comments led to Danae questioning herself, combing over her relationship to catch where she went wrong, and thrusting herself back in to a sad space.

I very rarely seek relationship advice because I know everything, but when I do, I am extremely careful about where it comes from. Friends, no matter how close, can sometimes steer you on the wrong path or make things worse. Family can also be guilty of this. And it doesn't have to be on purpose. Everyone isn't meant to be a relationship expert, and many times people give you advice based on what they themselves want in a significant other. They also bring to the table the cultural norms within their own families and close communities, which could be in direct opposition to your own beliefs or desires.

Jamie may be better suited for drinks and light convo over brunch, while Rachel might be more empathetic to your situation because she's been there and done that. Stacy might be great for listening to your drama and encouraging you to trust your gut, while Katrice may only be good for cracking jokes and swapping cubicle horror stories. Everything isn't for everybody.

This goes for men and women: we need to be conscientious of who we allow to give us relationship advice. Just like we should only trust experts when we need academic, career, financial, and medical advice, we should do the same when it comes to matters of love. Speak to someone who understands what you want and has your best interests at heart. If you desire a man who can take care of your emotional needs, it may not be beneficial to seek help from someone whose main priority is a man who can buy her all the shoes she wants. If you want a woman who gives you space and doesn't question your every move, complaining to your homeboy who is usually clingy in his relationships might not be a good idea.

I don't believe in discussing marital issues with someone who has never been in a serious relationship, or seeking help from someone who never follows their own advice. I can't remember where I initially read it (I think it was The Conversation* by Hill Harper), but I have seen countless articles encouraging people to get relationship mentors. If you know of someone in a relationship that you admire, seek them out for advice.  I'm not saying that someone who hasn't walked in your shoes can't help you, but I am saying that someone who has been in your shoes will probably be able to give you advice that is tried and true, logically sound, and also sensitive to your situation.

Our hearts are serious business. I encourage you to treat yours with care by being selective with whom you share your difficult cross roads and intimate heartaches. Good, sound relationship advice does not come natural. As Denae learned after sharing her story, the last thing you need is two heartbreaks: one from your guy, and one from your girl who may have thought she was providing a shoulder to lean on, but instead added fuel to the fire.





*I don't endorse his book, but that bit of advice makes a lot of sense.

The Guy Who Listened

This guy hit me up a few days ago to let me know he'll be in the Bay Area for a week. We're supposed to meet up for lunch or dinner or snacks or coffee or whatever it is that old boo's do when they haven't seen each other in over a year*.

I'm excited, not because it's a date (because it's not) but because I feel like it's been ages since I sat down to have an innocent, no strings attached conversation with a fine ass man. With work and school being my primary focus for the last two months, any leisure activity involving casual conversation and a fine ass man is welcome.

I'll let you know how it goes.








*Get your mind out of the gutter.

Friends With the Ex

A few days ago, we had a face to face conversation about work, school, our respective families, our plans for the future, and music. Music has always been our common ground. It was our passionate and lengthy discussions about lyrics and beats and artists and soul and jazz and gospel that at one time strengthened our attraction. But on this day, the convo was just a chat with someone familiar. Very simple with no undertones of more, no dancing around our defunct relationship, no awkward silences. Just a talk.

I drove away satisfied, not pining for what once was, or hoping this conversation would continue on the phone on in to the night. Our interaction was special, not because I spent some time with an ex that I once missed dearly, but because it clearly marked the realization that he is out of my system. We can talk and be cool.

And really, what is better than being able to catch up with an ex while harboring no ill feelings toward them? We really can talk and be cool. I love that.

Far From Bitter...

Once upon a time, there was a single Black woman with zero options (SBWWZO) who didnt have a date on Valentine's Day. She didn't have a boyfriend to send her flowers, or a guy to call her just to say "I love you". She didn't even expect a man to send her a "Happy VDay" text. And she was perfectly fine with that.

There is this unsubstantiated theory that if a woman is alone on Valentine's Day, she is bitter and lonely. There are some who fall in to this category, but not all. Some of us use the day to express love to our friends and family. Others of us may use the day to reflect on the love that we've already had, and the love we're sure to gain in the future. And, then there are some of us who go about the day just as we did on February 13th.

I'll Hasten To His Throne - In Memory of Whitney Houston

I absolutely loved Whitney Houston. When it came to music, from the age of six (when "The Greatest Love Of All" was featured on her Whitney Houston album) to around the age of seventeen (when My Love is Your Love was released) she was my everything. She didn't sing. She SANG. And she did it breathlessly. Sweet and powerful, and easy like Sunday morning. Her voice was amazing.

One of my most memorable Christmases was when my mother gave me The Bodyguard soundtrack, along with my very own karaoke machine with an amplified microphone. When I tell you I sang my heart out into that microphone along with Whitney for YEARS... she was my Michael Jackson, and The Bodyguard soundtrack was my Thriller.

I write specifically about her voice and her music because her talent is the only thing that ever mattered to me. My father is a singer, and introduced me to music at an extremely early age, but it was artists like Whitney who made music more than just a pastime; it became a passion. When I heard her singing, "I'm Your Baby, Tonight", my little nine year old self wanted to BE her (and wore out my mama's cassette tape in the process). There was no other artist who had such a profound impact on my musical tastes and singing voice. She was my idol. Even though my shyness got in the way of ever seriously singing outside of home and church, it is because of my dad and artists like Whitney, that music will always be central to my daily life.

One of the songs that I sang my little pre-teen heart out to was her oft overlooked version of "Yes, Jesus Loves Me". All of her songs on The Bodyguard album were hits, but this one stuck out to me because it was gospel, my favorite genre of music, but not one she was particularly known for dabbling in at the time. When my favorite singer jumped in to my favorite genre, I couldn't get enough of her.





I also love her version of  "I Love The Lord" from The Preacher's Wife soundtrack. To this day, I sing it in the shower at least 2-3 mornings a week.






She has proved time and time again that her voice was truly a gift from God.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Houston.