He Loves Here More Than He Could Ever Love Me

I hate to say it, but it's true. He loves her more than he could ever love me. I see the sparkle in his eye when she walks into the room. She gets all of his attention, all of the time. He smiles at everything she says and her laugh follows him continuously. They always do this song and dance, even in my presence as if I do not exist. I can barely stand it. I watch, with jealousy and envy and wonder, where did his love for me go? Did it die? Is it buried too deep for resurrection?

I've loved this man since before I knew what love meant. He taught me how to forgive and forget and trust to the point of stupidity. I lost myself. Familiarity lived only in his arms. My first true love. I'd never met a man who loved both my beauty and my flaws. He loved every single piece of me, every nook and cranny. Knowing this, I began to create a world for only the two of us. No one else mattered. No one. He said he would love me for an eternity.

I never knew eternity had an expiration date. One night, after four years, seven months, three weeks, and six days of us being just us, he said he needed a break. We were too serious. He wasn't sure about us anymore, which translated into him not being sure about me. Right after I'd fucked him on the kitchen counter and against the wall near the hall closet, he told me he needed his space. I told him that I understood. But I didn't. I just wanted him to be happy. And I wanted him to think that his happiness determined mine. So I understood that my love and adulation for him was too much and not enough. And I understood that other lovers could possibly replace me, but I wouldn't let myself believe that he would leave me forever. How could he live without me? We were all we had.

He left me. I could not breath nor could I see. I whispered to Death to take me, quickly, before I changed my mind and found another reason to live. And then he called. He wanted to talk. I didn't know that meant he wanted to fuck. It didn't matter. I just wanted him in any way possible.

So he came and we came and our relationship changed. We were no longer a couple striving to be one entity building a world that would house two hearts. We became two bodies, only. One living inside the other whenever there was 30 minutes to spare. No dates, no travels, no friends, no family. Just sex.

I missed him. I missed the man who kissed my ear and whispered, "I love you, Princess", every night before he closed his eyes. I missed the man who said his only desire was to hear my laughter for the rest of his days. I missed the man who cried when I cried, who smiled when I smiled, whose heart was my pillow. So I stayed and prayed that this man would return. Maybe, as I moaned that I loved him, he'd say it back. Maybe, in the midst of orgasm, this new man's soul would escape as he exhaled, and I'd have that old love spirit to myself again.

He had to know how much I loved him. How could he not see? I may have loved him too much, but who can put a limit on love? I had that crazy love for him. That crazy "cut a bitch real quick" kinda love. That crazy "lose all my friends and barely call my mama" kinda love. That crazy "oops, I forgot to take that pill after you came inside me" kinda love. That "I'll do anything to keep you" kinda love. Anything.

And then she came. She entered our lives slowly, over the course of a little under a year. In the beginning, he was not happy about her. I convinced him that she was harmless and he'd grow to love her. I was right. We both grew to love her. She was beautiful and happy and giving and peaceful and…harmless. I thought.

I thought that she could help me keep him. She'd be part of the plan that would get him to love me again. She helped a little. But I soon noticed how he began to look for her more often. He became more concerned about her well being and soon wanted to be alone with her, just the two of them. I wanted to protest, but she was harmless, right? I had to be confident in the love that I knew was growing for me.

Three years passed. Slowly and surely, she snuck into his heart and made it her home. All he cared about was her, her wants, her needs. There was never any mention of my new outfit or tight body or freshly done hair or…my heart.

He had a new princess.

He left me again, this time with no explanation. "It's over", were his only words. But he stays around for her. It hurts so much to see how I have been moved out of the way, replaced by the one whose main purpose was to make him love me again.

But I don't complain. You see, it seems quite petty and selfish. I'd never want to let the world know that I've been defeated by someone who acts like another version of me; someone who looks just like me. We share the exact same eyes that, at one point in time, he could stare into for hours, and the exact same nose that he'd kiss before work every morning. I couldn't possibly end their relationship. I love her just as much.

She lived inside of me and we birthed her together. And now I see, that he will always love his daughter more than he could ever love me.

11-28-06

© HONEYchile Publishing 2006

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FYI: This is fiction.

I'm Guilty

1^st Offense

I felt really bad on Sunday. I ordered a fish dinner 20 minutes before the restaurant closed and then realized that I didn't have any money to pay for it. What was I to do?

I decided I wanted to eat some catfish and prawns to mark my farewell to fried food. Me being the procrastinator that I am, I waited til the last minute to go get something to eat. So I called "Off the Hook Seafood" (yeah that's the real name) and ordered a prawn and snapper dinner. I'm driving to the place and realize that I only have my check card minus a PIN number (yeah, I finally got my card but Washington Mutual has yet to send my freakin PIN!!!!!!!!!!!!). So, I'm convincing myself that this hole in the wall fish place will let me use a credit card, even though I know that they only accept cash. I walk in and intentionally notice the sign that says "CASH ONLY"

"Oh no!!!", I say with intense dramatics, reminiscent of New York from FOL. "I only have a check card. What should I do?" (I coulda got an Academy Award for this...wait, no maybe a BET award or something)

I'm hoping the lady says, "Oh well, maybe next time." But, nooooooooooooooooooooo! She says, "Oh it's ok. Go next door. They have an ATM machine."

Dammit, I guess my acting was a little too good. I definitely don't feel like explaining my PIN number situation so with a smile, I say, "Ok, I'll go next door".

I walk outside, look back in to make sure no one is watching, look left, look right, and hop in my car, driving off fast and furiously. They call me 5 minutes later. And I get scared and send them to voicemail. Lol I'm such a scaredy cat.

2^nd Offense

Since I can't eat any fish, I decide to go to Nations (a burger place) in Jack London Square. I walk in, and of course there are 3 police officers inside waiting on slices of pie (the police station is 2 blocks away).

I stand in line behind one of them and he turns around and decides to strike up a conversation. Aw damn, the PIG wants to talk to me. Yes, I said it. I hate the police. For real. And I definitely don't want you talking to me like I just graduated out of the DARE program with all this admiration for you and your colleagues.

I gave him weak smiles throughout the entire conversation., but he kept on blabbing, asking me questions about my day and my keychain and my boots and my braids and blah blah blah, cracking jokes and shhhh. I wanted to tell him that I was a Black Panther in a former life and to get out my face and that joke you just told wasn't funny at all and scream "FREE MUMIA" really loud with my fist held high…but I just kept on with the weak smile. Can't be too mean, with all the parking tickets I haven't paid, I just might have a warrant.

But, yeah, I'm guilty of hating 5-0. Except my god brother, Vernell…he's great!

3^rd Offense

The previous offense brought this to mind. I know I smile a lot and all, but I'm not friendly. Random people just love to come to me and tell me their business. Whether it be on public transportation, at the mall, at work, at church, walking down the street…people must think I wanna hear what they have to say. But I don't. Honestly.

One day, I'm in Mervyn's, looking for a present for my mom, and this lady asks what color sweater looks cute on her. I had no problem with telling her but then she starts telling me how she wants to buy it for a 1^st date with this guy who drinks a lot who lives in the trailer park with her who she likes but she's kinda scared because he's an alcoholic, but he's funny and he has kids and she has kids too so that's great blah blah blah. Weak smile. Actually had to put the weak smile on loop, kept flashing it over and over. And she just kept yapping away.

Happened again on Sunday. A lady sits next to me at church. The pastor says something about how people can be married and still be lonely. Well, that statement just set her off. Apparently, some minister came to her and told her God sent him to be her husband. They dated for a year, didn't have sex, then got married. They were divorced after one year and eight months because he started acting strange. And she really waited and waited for the right man to come along. Her daughter is 18 and goes to Cal, lives on campus. And I learned all of this by just sitting there with the weak smile. I still don't know her name though.

I'm just writing this to let the world know, that I'm guilty of really not giving a damn. And I'm not that friendly…I just look that way. If I don't know you and you still decide to share your life story with me at the flea market, or the hot dog stand, the nail shop, or the shoe store, I will listen. And once you walk away, I will proceed to tell your business to any and everybody I come in contact with. I think that's an even exchange, don't you?

Guilty Pleasures

Do you guys have anything that you just absolutely love to do but you don't want too many people to know?

I have a few.

I'm guilty of being addicted to "Flavor of Love". Even though I absolutely hate the marginalization of black women in the media (and I mean ABSOLUTELY HATE it…I can't even watch BET), this show is like in my top 10 favorites of all time. What's even worse is the fact that I can't wait until New York/Tiffany's new show airs. I'm anxious like a six year old on Christmas Eve. Shame, ain't it?

I'm guilty of loving me some onions and garlic. Sorry guys, but I love to use them when I cook and I love to eat them even more. Mmm, mmm good! If I could convince my grandma to sprinkle a lil bit on the sweet potato pie tomorrow, I would.

I'm guilty of having a smart ass mouth. I love it though. Makes my mom want to slap me at times and it can be hell on anyone I'm dating, but I think it adds to my character, don't you?

My Favorite Commercials

I've been meaning to post these for a while now. These two clips are my favorite commercials ever. Never thought the day would come when I would have a favorite commercial since I usually fast forward through all that nonsense.

This first clip is a Liberty Mutual commercial. I swear it is the nicest thing I've ever seen. It truly touched me. Lol It kind of reminded me of the movie "Crash", but it's all about positivity. Makes you believe that being kind is contagious.





This second clip is a Cingular commercial. This is the cutest commercial. I instantly started smiling during the phone conversation. It was too cute and the end is hilarious.



Enjoy!!

With You

With You

I wanna wash dishes while listenin to jazz

I wanna pillow fight for an hour or two

I wanna fall asleep on the phone to make sure you'll be in my dreams later on

I wanna spoon with your groin against my ass

I wanna walk in the rain with no umbrella so we can catch a cold together

I wanna sex you, fuck the shit outta you and then make love, in that exact order

I wanna eat Cap'n Crunch for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

I wanna stand in front of the mirror and look at us

I wanna sing in the shower (and you know I don't let NOBODY hear me sing so you must be special)

I wanna make my neck available to your lips at all times

I wanna do the chicken noodle soup dance and then walk it out

I wanna read that one book by Nikki Giovanni...and then write our own

I wanna argue over something really stupid so I can hear you apologize and then make it up to me

I wanna be silly ol' me and serious only sometimes

I wanna thank God for you every single night

I wanna walk hand in hand, but if not, it's ok because I still know I "got you"

I wanna have romantic dinners at McDonald's

I wanna laugh at inside jokes

I wanna sex you, fuck the shit outta you and then make love, in that exact order…again

I wanna write poems that don't rhyme

But most of all

I wanna face my fear

And fall

Random Sh!t

There is no stupid question

Who came up with this philosophy? Whoever you are, you're a liar. You have tons of people out in this world working my nerve with stupid questions and statements.

Lord, please give me patience to deal with the crazy goins ons.

The other day, I'm on the phone with Washington Mutual because they swear that they've sent my new check card but it's been over a month and I have yet to receive it. This is how the convo went:

Washington Mutual Customer Service (WMCS): Well, ma'am, we'll just have to FedEx your card to you and have you sign for it to make sure you get it. Will you be at home?

Me: When?

WMCS: When we send the card.

Me: Uuuummmm, when will it arrive?

WMCS: I don't know. Maybe a few days. Will you be at home?

Me: What time?

WMCS: I don't know. Sometime during the day.

*crickets*

How the hell am I supposed to know if I'll be at home?! Can I get a date and a time..something? Or do you just expect me to not leave the house…EVER? And why does it matter if I'm at home? Can't I pick it up from FedEx after they attempt to drop it off?

WMCS: It's best if you're at home so you can sign for your card.

Me: It's best if you just send the card. Just send it. Thanks. *click*

My Mom Is definitely not exempt from this

Over the weekend, my cousin and I moved some things from my mom's house to my new place. We happened to be in my moms garage, and since my mom loves to buy things she'll never use, it almost felt like a mini treasure hunt in that mug. I'm finding wine (she NEVER drinks) and picture frames and whatnot. My cousin found a BB gun (Lord, the last thing he needs is a weapon in his hands) and some cds.

For some strange reason, my mom decides she wants to be stingy and won't give us what we've found.

Then my cousin stumbles upon 6 puzzles. My great grandmother was extremely fond of puzzles. She'd set up a table in her living room and tell guests to add a piece if they found one that fit. Looks like when she passed NINE years ago, my mom got the puzzles. And has yet to do anything with them.

Me: Mom, can I have this wine?

Mom/Niecy: No. Whatcha gon do with it? Drink it or something?

*crickets*

No, I'm gonna pour the wine out, write a letter, stick it inside, and throw it in the ocean, hoping it reaches King Jaffie Joffer (sp?) in Zamunda.

Cousin: Damn! I aint seen a puzzle in hella long. Nakia, remember when Granny used to always have puzzles at the house? Niecy, can I have some of them?

Mom/Niecy: No. Whatcha gon do with 'em?

*crickets*

What the hell else can one do with a puzzle other than put it together?

My cousin and I just looked at each other and fell out laughing. She was so intent on being stingy, she didn't realize how crazy she sounded, but when she saw us laughing, she had to laugh, too. She still didn't give me the wine, but she gave him one whole puzzle. And the BB gun. Great.

You Must Not Know 'Bout Me

I met this guy two weeks ago one night while I was out and about. He called this past weekend and it seems like we kinda hit it off. So he asks me out to dinner and a movie, but that kind of scenario is starting to bore me so I asked him to be a little more creative (I fall asleep in movies and I'm ATTEMPTING a diet yet again).

He calls me a few hours later and says he has the perfect idea.

Me: So, you thought of a good date?

HIM: Yes and its perfect. I figured, since it's been raining that maybe we shouldn't do anything outside. How do you feel about us, going to your house and YOU cooking ME dinner?

*crickets*

I'm waiting for him to chuckle, snicker, laugh, cough, hiccup, ANYTHING to indicate that he is joking.

HIM: How does that sound?

Me: How does what sound?

HIM: The date.

Me: That wasn't a joke?

HIM: No, I'm serious.

Me: (laughing) No you're not. You can't be.

HIM: I'm not playing.

Me: You want ME to cook YOU dinner for our first date?

HIM: Yeah.

Me: You must not know who you're talking to...

And I start to laugh. He's totally clueless as to why. And I think he's still totally clueless as to why we aren't having a first date....EVER!

I don't cook for 1^st dates. I don't cook for the 2^nd date. If you're Reggie Bush, I MIGHT cook for the 5th date.

Come to my house? Yeah right. I don't know you. We have to be in a public place until I start to trust you.

And who asked who out? You betta hop yo ass into your kitchen and get to burning. Leave it up to me and you'll be munching on grilled cheese and pork n beans on a paper plate on a park bench.

What Scares the S%@T Outta Me

By now, most of you know that I'm deathly afraid of relationships, commitment, or anything remotely close to being with one person for the rest of my life. So of course, this affects how I react to people I'm dating.

I'm talking to this guy and we hit it off really early on…you know, long late night convos, texts messages all day, calls just to say "Good morning" and "Good night".

This starts to bug me though. I mean, we have a lot in common, wonderful conversations, and we click but damn, can I breathe?

So I see myself already dooming whatever is in store for us. It's all going to hell. And I continue the cycle of ending love before it even starts.

I've noticed that when I come across guys who like me more than I like them, who show me too much attention, it scares me. Because I get the feeling that I'll break their heart (yes, I have a conscience…sometimes).

And then, too, sometimes I wonder, why the hell does he like me so much? Is there something wrong with him? (as if there is something wrong with liking me. That's just normal lol)

So I start acting brand new and find something wrong about the person and stress over it until just hearing his name disgusts me and makes me gag (like "oh my God, his left ear is slightly rounder than his right ear" an dnot being able to see him or talk to him without thinking about how his ear size could be a deformity that might effect our offsrping...yeah, i am dramatic like that).

So even though, I love when a guy texts me and calls just to say I'm on his mind, I might just have to let him go cuz liking me too much tends to scare the s%@t outta me.

Yes, I know...I need therapy.

I'm Sure I'm Going to Hell For This

For the past few months, I've been at church non stop. We had our Young Adult Annual Weekend in October and this past week we celebrated our Pastor's 12th Anniversary with a 3-day revival and gospel concert which ended today. Since I'm a praise dancer and in the young adult choir, I feel like I've spent thousands of hours either at practices or performing or supporting others in their ministries. In doing so, I've noticed a few goins on in church that I've never noticed before.

First of all, I think I've turned to my neighbor and said "Neighbor, he'll never leave you" or "Neighbor, he keeps on blessing me" or "Neighbor insert somthing you would turn to your neighbor and say" about 52 times this past week. I've had to high five someone and say "God is good" or something to that effect 24 times. Come on! Now a sista has karpal tunnel in her neck and her wrist.

I think we need to think of some new ways for preachers to get us to interact with each other. My favorite blogger, Insane in da Membrane wrote about this a few months ago and I am so feelin her. She is hilarious.

I know I shouldn't laugh at this but I just couldnt help it. One night this past week, there were 2 little girls around 3 years old, sitting in the row in front of me. They were playing with lip chap and writing on offering envelopes. You know the typical things little kids do when they're bored in church. After awhile, church starts getting off the hook: the preacher is preaching and the people are shouting and what not, and all of a sudden, one of the little girls drops her lipstick, leans back with her hands up and starts shouting. I'm thinking, is this little girl really getting the spirit? She shouts for like 15 seconds, then stops and continues playing with her friend, giggling all over the place. Then a few minutes pass and this times she stops playing and leans forward sayin "Amen, amen!". Then she stops and keeps playing with her friend. This happened until service was over. It was obvious that she was mimicing everyone around her. Her signal would be the organ and she would just jump into a character. I noticed that she would do EXACTLY the same thing the women in front of her would do. Oh, it was hilarious. I know I probably should have told her that you shouldnt play with the holy ghost but it was the most entertaining thing I've EVER seen in church. Plus, she was only 3. The Lord knows her heart.

This reminded me of something that I saw on youtube a while back. I know I'm going to hell for laughing at this so I thought I'd bring some of ya'll with me, since I'm sure you'll be on the floor after you see it.

Someone called this apo-bap-ticostal humor, but the title on Youtube is "The Craziest Church Ever".