True Story: I Survived Heartbreak

"I know I can't help you very much right now - God knows what I wouldn't give if I could. But I know about suffering; if that helps. I know that it ends...Try to remember that. And : The only way anything ever gets done is when you make up your mind to do it."   - James Baldwin, "If Beale Street Could Talk"

It was 2004. The summer was ending, giving way to fall. I’d gone shopping with my mom and grandmother. After spending the day buying clothes and knick knacks, we headed to a well known restaurant for a nice, hearty dinner.

When the hostess sat us, my heart grew heavy. My lips began to tremble and a sadness the weight of a truck descended upon me.  I tried to cover my face with my hands, but there was no hiding it. Before I knew it, tears were streaming.

My mother and grandmother grew alarmed, repeatedly asking me what was wrong. I couldn’t stop crying long enough to tell them, but after a few deep breaths, I was able to whimper it out slowly.

“I've never been here without him. This is the first time I’ve been here…without him.”

Immediately, they understood what I meant.  “Well, baby, you should have told us. We wouldn’t have come. We can leave if you want”, offered my grandmother.

I shook my head “No” and forced myself to calm down as my mom shooed away our waiter until I could get myself together.

For the past five months or so, I had gone through the most painful break up I had ever experienced. The first and only man I loved had broken my heart. He wasn’t the only one to blame though, for I had broken his a few months before. We’d gone back and forth, up and down, together and not together, until another girl entered the picture, and things became even more complicated. And it hurt.

I’d finally said “Enough is enough” when things started getting out of control. But it hurt. It hurt like hell. I lost weight. Made myself sick by not eating. Cried unexpectedly. Called in sick so many days at my job that my superiors started to question my dedication. I fell into a deep depression and didn’t see any end to it in sight.

And then I wind up sitting in “our” restaurant, crying my eyes out in public.

Heartbreak. One of the deepest pains I’d ever experienced up to that point. And throughout it all, I could only think about how happy I used to be, and how I’d never feel that way again. I felt that I’d wallow in sadness forever. I’d never find another one to love me like he did. I’d never find love again, period. I’d lost my one and only chance at love.

I was only 23.

TALK ABOUT BEING DRAMATIC!

I don’t mean this to be funny but I really thought that I’d ruined my chance of ever getting a husband and life was over. At 23 freaking years old.  If I could go back to that 23 year old Nakia, weeping in a restaurant over Cajun chicken pasta, there is so much I would say to her:

• First of all, man up! G’s don’t cry.
• Ok, sometimes you do have to cry. So let it out. Just make sure you stay hydrated.
• You have to be kidding me if you really think that someone as great as you will never find love again. Just like it found you the first time, it’ll find you again, and again, and again. And each time it does, you’ll be a little wiser. And you’ll appreciate it a little more.
• Anybody who would put you through hell while telling you he loves you, is a liar and doesn't deserve you, or anymore of your tears.
• You will be happy again, with or without love. You just have to make yourself happy now. It’s not up to anyone else.
• This is not to diminish your pain right now, but there are far more things worse than heartbreak.
• One day, you will look back on this day and either laugh, shake your head at yourself, or tell this story as a lesson to someone else that life is not over when your relationship ends. Sometimes, the ending is just the beginning.

I was inspired to write this because of a few younger women who reminded me of myself when I was their age. I recently began reading a blog written by a 24 year old woman who chronicled her loving relationship, and then the devastating effects of its demise. Reading along day by day, week by week, I saw so much of myself in her.  I wanted to hug her, tell her if you think no one understands, believe me, I understand. I wanted to tell her to keep her head up and one day that  heartache will be just a memory, just a story to share when you’re reminiscing about the old times when you were young and naïve. You’ll be glad he let you go….eventually.

There was an article written by a friend who shared her anxiety about being alone after realizing someone she was dating had moved on. In her early 20s, worried about being a single woman for the rest of her life. It sounds daunting and real and extremely scary, and it reminded me of myself seven years ago, worried that I was some how unworthy of another chance at love.

It works like this: you will be sad. EVERYTHING will remind you of him or your relationship together. You quite possibly will think about the situation everyday.  As the months roll on, there will come a day when you don’t think about the heartbreak, or the one who caused it. And then that day will turn into a few days. Activities, events, work, friends, and family will fall back into their rightful place. You will not have the time to dedicate to thinking of the past. Eventually, weeks will pass by without the situation having crossed your mind. It won’t be a sudden change, but a gradual strengthening of the heart. Your self esteem will begin to blossom, your smile will return, and new men will enter you life.  You will still think about him and the intimacy that you shared, but it will be in a different light. A scar will be left, but the wound will have healed, and you will be ok. You will be ok.

The process may take months, and in some cases, even years, but the end result still rings true: YOU WILL BE OK.

I look back on that experience, on how much I learned about myself, about relationships, and what I want out of life. I learned to appreciate love, and I also learned to recognize that it can come from more than just a boyfriend or husband. There are friends who love you, family who love you, and people who will only be in your life temporarily who can deposit love into your life that is just as fulfilling, if not more so than when you are in a relationship.

I sometimes thank God for putting me in a situation that caused me to wander in an emotional wilderness, depressed and unsure of my own worth, because it made me who I am today. And it made me love me more than any man ever could.

So for those of you dealing with sadness associated with heartbreak, please don’t weigh yourself down thinking you will never feel joy or be loved again. You will be happy. And you are definitely worthy of love. Life is just designed to include a few pitfalls and valleys. Some people call them growing pains. You will be thankful for them later. 

I promise.