Wednesday, October 24, 2012
This Time Last Year...
But I was the saddest I'd ever been in a while. I'd broken up with my boyfriend four days earlier. I was confused, hurt, shocked about how things had randomly flipped upside down. This was all so new. How was I supposed to go away for weekend of happiness, put a smile on my face, and pretend like all is well with the world? I was the president of the club, in charge of making sure much of what happened that weekend went smoothly, but all I really wanted to do was curl up into a corner and cry.
Everyone was carpooling to Santa Cruz, but I'd decided that it would be best for me to drive the two hour journey alone. Give myself time to think and get control of my emotions. I hadn't even told my closest friends about the break up, mainly because I didn't know how. All of this was so strange to me.
Remarkably, when I arrived to the house, I didn't fall out into the street screaming "WHHHY?" like Nancy Kerrigan. I was composed, relaxed, easing into my usual banter with the women that I call my friends. And it stayed that way. I was busy most of that Friday night through Saturday afternoon, too busy to stop and think about my heart breaking, too distracted to notice the pain.
And then came our evening seminar named specifically for the retreat, the seminar in which we each talk about if we are or aren't happy, and set goals focusing on what we need to do to make it there. Out of 14 women, I was the last to speak, and before I could even open my mouth, the tears came. Eventually, the story spilled out, something that I didn't really want to talk about, but didn't have the power to stop the words from pushing up out of me. And everyone was in shock. "Broke up? What? Huh? *gasp*" Yep. I nodded my head, tears not letting up. And so I talked about it for the very first time, released it like an avalanche.
Didn't realize how much better I'd feel sharing that. Didn't realize how supportive my club is. There was a hug on every reassuring word that was uttered that night. There were friends who cried with me. There were people who came to me later, privately with "I've been there" and "It's going to be alright" and "You did the right thing. Trust me." And it felt so much better. So, so much better.
Next month, we'll be convening in Miami for "Getting to Happy" and as it stands, there is nothing going on for me to cry about (fingers are crossed and prayers are lifted). My life is not exactly where I want it to be but it is very close. I can credit my progress to the fact that I acted on every goal that I spoke on during that seminar (sans the weight issue...blah...that one gets the middle finger from me). I still know that improvements can be made though, so I'm excited to discuss that with the girls who are coming from my chapter, and those from our other chapters who will be there. This is going to be life changing, as they are every year. And I can't wait.
Now when I think back to that weekend and those emotions, it feels so far away. My focus has completely changed, my life is in a different place. I can not say that I am thankful for the heartbreak, but I can say that I am very, very happy to be where I am now. What a difference a year makes!
I just felt like sharing that with you all. Thanks for reading :)